“What is an email? Who the fuck is Cheryl? Oh my god, uncle dan got so drunk that he pissed his pants on Christmas, lol. Wait what do I do again?”
These are the common thoughts of anyone returning to that soul-sucking job in corporate America. Look, we all get it, the nation just came out of it’s most unproductive week of the year. The top leaders of America forcing us back to work should show some pity, but they don’t, because you didn’t get them an updated yacht this year, and that is a failure on your part.
We cannot truly escape the tender responsibilities of our job, but we can put them off for another few days if you have the right strategy.
1. Send an email really quick in the morning, it doesn’t have to be about shit. It could be some regurgitated percentages from last year, but send the email, make it seem like you’re on top of things.
2. Get your shitty holiday story out first and on the first meeting you can. Look the hangover is going to last all day, but the anticipation of what you did over the holidays will sit with your coworkers for the entire day as well. They have nothing going on, so share. The show must go on.
3. Take as many fake calls as you can. When your dry heaving into the toilet with roger taking a monumental dump in the stall next to you, it helps to have “aunt jane” or “cousin karl” to jump on the phone with in between hurling and getting back to your desk.
4. Fake Covid…. Again. Fuck it, why not, they still don’t really know, you still don’t really know. You just got 3 free-ish sick days.
5. Really late lunch. The last one might save you. Even the cruelest dictators cannot legally deny you a lunch break (results not guaranteed). The report that needs to be sent today? Shit “sorry boss but you’ve been catching up all morning and haven’t taken lunch yet.” Just like your wife wanting to finish first, it’ll have to wait. Glorious.
We cannot push all the items off forever, unless you work in management, but we can squeeze just a little more time in to being a total piece of shit for like 2 more days. The bare minimum will win this week, keep that in mind and keep drinking water. You will need it. But I believe in you. That’s my take on it, until next time.---GS
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