Every now and then the simulation decides that we have been good boys and girls and will give us a treat unlike any other. Over human history we have gotten things like horses, modern medicine, the internet, Dunk-a-Roo’s, and the youtube channel Bum Fights. But all this pales in comparison with the announcement that was just made. Dine Brands Global, owner of IHOP and Applebee’s will be creating a restaurant concept MERGING the two industry dining leaders together under one roof. The Gods smiled upon us.
Every hungover human in an IHOP has always had the thought “what if I could have the signature dollar ritas from Applebee’s combined with a stack of flapjacks from IHOP?” Thy will be done. Well America we are getting just that. Already in action Dine Brands is combining front of the house aesthetics with back of the house gourmet food in a Frankenstein kind of fashion to create the first IHOP/Applebee’s restaurant. Ibee’s? AppleHOP? DiarrheaCentral? All these could be the names of this beautiful monstrosity, but I figure just like a KFC/A&W we will have a distinction. The restaurants have already started to build, mainly 8 locations in Mexico City for whatever fucking reason. Imagine going to MEXICO FUCKING CITY and eating at a goddamn IHOP. Americans, please never change.
Now obviously this move is not particularly because Dine Brands is doing so well, it’s mainly to get their customer base under one roof more consistently. To an alcoholic though, this is the closest thing to serving booze at a Waffle House, so, fuck yeah. Will they separate the spaces? Probably in some shape or form, but what would be 10 thousand times better would be to join them together like some weird surgery where they have to put the conjoined twins BACK together. Either way this is a holy matrimony like nothing else.
This announcement could go either way with the stock market. Dine Brands has been on a 5 year free-fall, leaving their position in the 70 to 90 dollar range and now sitting at about 50 dollars a share. Consolidation can be helpful but usually the consolidation will lead to a buy-out of some form-or-fashion. BUT! While we slowly wait for the world to end, we can count on a merger that will give us enough dopamine to stop figuring out how to tie a noose. This is exactly what we needed, and I for one am excited to get a Happy Face Pancake combo with the Sizzlin Sampler and a Modelo at 10:35 in the morning. That’s freedom baby.
Well, we can’t count on the economy but we can count on some hilarious fights and memes coming from the IHOP/Applebee’s collab. I can’t wait. See you there. That’s my take on it, until next time.---GS
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