Yep. No don’t worry. That is the actual headline. It really is. And on top of this I have two other food items to cover. America, are we stuck in the 90’s?? ‘Cause y’all edgy as fuckkkkkk.
So again, my fat ass will cover 5 different food and drink items that have come out recently. 2 of them I won’t cover in much detail, but the 3 mentioned above, you bet your ass I am going to cover. If you happen to not want to read anymore, I’ll be covering Pizza Hut’s new Cheez-It Pizza, Chipotle’s new Carne Asada menu item, KFC’s new life altering sandwich (altering in a bad way) the Fried Chicken Donut Sandwich, Kellogg’s new Leaf Jerky, and finally the age-old Starbucks Pumpkin Spice SZN.
1- Starbucks is back for you basic fucking bitches
Starbucks rolled out yet again, their pumpkin spice line for the upcoming Fall Season. Although temperatures haven’t dropped a fucking degree, Starbucks is back in action providing joy and endless Instagram stories for every “early education” major and any other sorority girl that I missed when casting that giant fucking net. Overall, a great move for Starbucks who if not started, definitely lead the way for Pumpkin Spice SZN. It’s a seasonal treat so they are pretty much beating it out of ever becoming just a fad. I imagine that with most years, Starbucks will blend this into the new items on their menu and have success simply with customers just wanting to try the flavors. Starbucks, my hat is off to you. You figured out your market and made it go viral. Kudos.
2- Kellogg’s just made beef jerky for people that already hate themselves
Kellogg’s product development apparently just found out about weed. Because you gots to be high to make or even come up with something like this. Kellogg’s recently released their vegan jerky product called “Leaf Jerky”. Now I see that they are trying to jump on this new meatless trend, but I don’t think they exactly executed. Simply, I just don’t see a need. Has the vegan community really been begging for meatless jerky?! If they have you guys should stop fucking talking to them. The creator (a vegan of course) made it for a vegan, portable, and easy snack, which I totally understand, but it still seems like a fairly far off idea. If it does well, great, but if it shits the bed with this, you heard it here first motherfucker.
3- KFC just wants all of us to fucking die already
KFC. Jesus, the fucking balls on these guys. They truly do not give one single shit about your dumb clogged arteries or your failing marriage. In fact, die quicker if possible, is probably what the board members said. Remember when KFC said fuck-a-bun and just made two chicken breasts as the buns with BACON IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE?! I sure do, the thought of someone eating that still makes me cringe to this day. Welp, good ole KFC and Yum brands are just back at it again. They created a chicken sandwich with glazed donuts instead of buns. Two fucking glazed donuts for your fat-ass. I imagine the Yum brands execs had a good laugh when signing this product to be put on the menu, because now fast food is just a game to see what the public will eat. I mean they can’t really think that the glazed donut chicken sandwich will really be a staple menu item in 50 years…. Right? I certainly fucking hope not because if that’s the case I really give up on all of you.
4- Chipotle is going to bring Carne Asada to the menu
This will be short and sweet. Didn’t chipotle already have this shit? It felt like they did, but I guess not. Anyway, Chipotle announced they’ll be bringing a new meat item which is Carne Asada to the menu. Great move for the brand and as a lover of both chipotle and carne asada, I am obviously pumped. September 19th is when the new menu item will drop and I am fucking here for it people. Might even do a lil blog on the review of it and share the link here. Idk. But yeah, fuck yeah chipotle. Just don’t cover that shit in E.coli like last time….dicks.
5- Cheez-It Pizza by Pizza Hut, because I guess they think we’re too fucking dumb to know what mozzarella sticks are
Holy fucking Christ. What the hell is going on this Fall with America. The news about the Cheez-It Pizza was just icing on the cake, or in this case marinara on the fried cheese square. Yep, Pizza Hut and Yum Brands are at it again teaming up with Kellogg’s who is already on a fucking role to create a monstrosity that is essentially mozzarella sticks. They announced the combo would give a customer 4 “pizza” squares that are shaped and look a little like the classic Cheez-It’s inside this oversized Cheez-It is…. Cheese and then it comes with a side of marinara for dipping. Did I mention this is just 4 fucking square mozzarella sticks? Because if you read the description, I wrote out you should be thinking “Hey! Those are just fucking mozzarella sticks.” And yes Roger, you are correct. An overall odd combo but I get what they were striving for. Something that I imagine will be around for a short time, but still get some traffic into stores. I guess it’s something to try, regret, and then never order again. If Pizza Hut and Cheez-It’s are looking for a lot of non-repeat customers I think they just hit a home run. Unless the price is incredibly cheap, I don’t see this sticking around like say, a Doritos-loco taco (Another Yum Brand, Jesus I am on a fucking roll today). It’s a so-so move that probably won’t push the needle too much when it comes to the bottom line, but I respect the effort. Pizza Hut is the crack head of the major Pizza chains and I respect the fuck out of them sticking to their story.
Please note I have not tried any of the products mentioned above. This is just what I see as how they will all pan out. Anyway, enough for now.
That’s my take on it. Until next time.
-GS
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